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by haogender



Series: rant fics [3]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Author Projecting, Autistic Character, Autistic-Coded Character, Depression, Meltdown, Mental Health Issues, Other, References to Depression, author projecting onto jihoon, autistic jihoon, everyone i write is autistic coded i can’t help it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24531757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haogender/pseuds/haogender
Summary: he’s angry- angry and scared and maybe angry isn’t the right word when he wants to hurt everything, but there’s no other word.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: rant fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713940
Kudos: 12





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**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is i wrote it in a couple hours cuz my brain hurts and i feel angry today

Lee Jihoon is sixteen, and he’s going to be in big, big trouble.

That’s what Soonyoung said would happen if anyone found him, anyway– Jihoon never gets into trouble. Well, that’s actually a lie. He got into trouble when he punched Wonwoo. And, well, Wonwoo deserved it. Not really, but Jihoon got out of it. He doesn’t understand how, he remembers hearing words he didn’t– doesn’t– understand, words he chose to ignore, and then his punishment was extra practice and a forced apology.

But, still, Jihoon’s never gotten into trouble for this. He’s never gotten into trouble for sneaking into the studio and messing with the keyboard and some of the programs on the computer. Bumzu had left his password to the studio sitting around and Jihoon had memorised it– he’s always been good at that– and now he’s always there.

So now, Jihoon is sitting in said studio and he is angry. He‘s angry at the fact that he has to slip out of the dorms to do something he’s good at, angry that he gets away with it, angry that he can’t be content with dancing and singing, angry that the word angry isn’t _enough_ for him. He wants to scream and punch things but he’s only ever punched Wonwoo, and today he  misses the feeling and he wants to cry because why does he _miss_ hurting him?

And he knows, he knows he doesn’t miss hurting Wonwoo because his old therapist from home kept telling him that it’s not his fault his brain is wired _differently_ and he needs things to be happening, and he expresses emotions physically, and he’s _just_ _different_.

Just different. That’s funny.

Jihoon heard Seokmin say that he was different the week before. He wanted to scream then, because what did he know about being different, and he wants to cry now, because maybe he does know. Maybe he hurts like him, and maybe he hurts worse and maybe Jihoon is just weak and can’t handle it. Maybe Jihoon doesn’t have it so bad, and he’s just _weak_.

The computer is taunting him. He hasn’t even touched it since he got here, and he wants to scream or cry or find a hammer and break things.

He wants to feel angry and he wants to show just how angry he is because just saying that he’s angry isn’t _enough_. It’s not _enough_.

Jihoon (he hates his name, he wants to vomit it out, wants to hurt it, wants to _kill_ it) pushes himself off the chair and onto the floor, scooting under the desk. The cables and wires shift around his head, and he feels trapped, but he put himself there. He doesn’t feel safe and he’s never safe and what if someone walks in? What if one of the trainees walks in? They hate him, he knows. He knows, he knows, he’s always known.

Nothing is real and Jihoon feels like he’s going to faint. He can hear breathing. It’s what he chooses to focus on, the rush, the panic. The horrible feeling of breathing too much yet not enough, and he can feel everything and his skin is on fire. 

The door is locked. Jihoon always locks the door to the studio when he comes in.

* * *

Lee Jihoon is twenty-three, and he doesn’t have to sneak into the studio anymore.

Maybe that’s why he hasn’t left in four days. He’s working, working, and he feels guilty, because he doesn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t hate it– he just doesn’t feel anything for it. Maybe it’s a sign to take a break. Jihoon keeps pushing.

The guys come by sometimes– mainly Soonyoung. It’s only Soonyoung. He comes by with food and tells him that the dorm beds are way more comfortable (he’s right, but Jihoon needs to work).

Sometimes Jihoon might even take a break and chat, lie down on the couch and wake up hours later to Soonyoung sitting next to him, snoring.

There’s a few minutes of silence, of peace, of Jihoon feeling like maybe he’s okay. Maybe he can go home, and maybe he can just take a break. He can have a proper meal and talk about something other than work. He can catch up, sleep in his own bed.

It’s nice, it’s nice until Jihoon feels like he’s not doing _enough_ , and he stumbles to his feet and back into the chair, hands shaking and a sob building in his throat.

And when Soonyoung leaves, it’s almost as if he wasn’t ever there. The traces of him remain– the scent of ramen and the knowledge that the minifridge is stocked again. Not much is different. Jihoon still feels sick, albeit a little less exhausted.

He feels like the teenager he was as a trainee, sneaking into a studio where he didn’t belong. And this is his job, he does this for a living.

Jihoon wishes, he wishes he could say he misses a simpler time, but he’s never had a simpler time. It’s always been like this, always hard, always scary. He went to school and then came home and cried. He snuck out to the studio and had a meltdown. He goes to work in his studio and he feels like he’s going to die.

But he won’t do anything bad.

Because they depend on him. And that’s scary, scary enough to keep him working himself to death. They need him to be good, to be talented, to be determined and smart.

He’s scared.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways soonhoon is idk a thing that exist. but they’re not important? like. jihoon’s got stuff


End file.
